The Uncertainty of 29

On my 29th birthday, I was in total awe of how my friends and family rallied around to make my day ultra special. But under that awe…that sense of immense gratitude was a feeling of unworthiness…why me? Why would people so lavish me with love and gifts and attention and favor? I didn’t deserve it…I kept thinking, I’m not as great as everyone thinks I am…I’m mean sometimes, weak sometimes…ugly sometimes.

Even my hubby’s love, so deep and overflowing that it scares me sometimes… how could I ever be deserving of such elaborate love? How could I ever repay him for his kindness? 

Then a voice that seems both close and distance whispers to me, “Because you are my beloved.” God, who knew me before anyone else and who knows me more deeply than anyone else loves me. Lavishes me with good things. Comforts me when I am scared. Needs nothing from me, but my acceptance of his love. Isn’t it funny that we are always hoping to earn the one thing that is absolutely priceless, absolutely free.

I then realized that I could spend my whole life trying to earn favor, earn love. I could search the world, ravish the depths of my heart, for some shred of worthiness, but there is none to be found outside of God’s grace. If not for Christ, I would not know what it means to be a friend, to love my neighbor, to open my heart to love and receive love in return. All of my goodness, all of my worthiness, all of my loveliness was and is because of the loveliness of God. I don’t need to be anything more to deserve it and my momentary failings could never steal it away.

– soo

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